Letter

 

Dear Cynthia 

Shit…It has been so long since we have seen each other.  Let's just say that the way we left things was harsh and not right. That's why I took a big breath and maybe a shot or two to write you this.

 Ever since the company collapsed  I have been spending my last 8 years obsessing over any money like  five dollars to get my kick…funny right… Before you think that I am writing to you for the money. I want you to read this carefully. I want you to understand that I want to apologize, and I know,  I know,  you would probably think “Tracey? Apologize?” “No fucking way”  and yes I am also suprised since I dont know how to “let go” my grudges. After a long time of loneliness and drugs I have had so many thoughts.  I kept thinking to myself about my views that I had. It has stroked me that I have been wrong my entire life.  My actions : about our job and about the situation.  My reactions to everything collapsing coming  from being  uneducated, that led me to be a horrible friend in the end. 

During this job that we started as “teenagers” we  both were treated differently . While I just got away with idiots, you had to not only “take orders from idiots” but also take their “racist” comments. But it never stopped you from being determined and hardworking. But I made a mistake by being racist towards you, your closest friend had assumed that you got a job from “being black”. But in reality you really did deserve this position not because of your skin color but because of determination. After all, you are the only person who actually looked forward and not in the past, you had a dream that you wanted to achieve, while we are “workers” who only get pleasure from working. You had so many new ideas to bring to this company and yet I went  “around spreading rumors” just because of my jealousy. 

In a span of 8 years, the incident kept crawling back in my memory.

 Remember when you put that “sign” that prohibited our entrance into the building. I've never been so furious in my life until I saw you standing next to that sign not even looking at us. That's when I jumped into the conclusion that you chose the side of “them” those hungry “white hats”,  who were “laying off  people '' because of the  “burden” that we have become to them . I mean common Cynth weren’t you mad with this whole situation  yourself.  We all were mad, but everyone had their way to cope. While I drank beer  after beer I chose to let myself blame everything on everyone, without thinking about their feelings. Especially on you.  Having no clue how you were struggling. 

 It's not like you could have just “stand up and walk away” from the new job.  I had to realize that in order to achieve that dream of yours to take  that“cruise at Panama canal” you had to work twice as hard even if it's taking orders from the mangment and ignoring the racism you had faced. It was hard for you to choose  between them (those who can give you an opportunity to get a well deserved “break”)  and us who were your friends. That was our last conversation that we had… My mistake is that I never realized how I let that company get in between us. All the good memories we had together was ruined with my “stupid” decisions and assumptions. This anger at managers and this whole “them vs us” have brought down so many friendships and relationships.  After all it was my fault that left Stan even more “crippled”. It was me who started to yell at Oscar, and it was me who kept nudging Jason to “fight” him that led Chris to join… It was my fault that I sent our kids to jail… I ruined Chris’s chances to get into college to become a “teacher”, and it was me who never wanted to listen to anything that anyone wanted to say. I let the anger and confusion get the best of me, ruining everything with my words and actions. 

I keep thinking to myself Cynthia, about my grandfather who everyone saw as “big strapping man” who did what he loved and did “beautiful things (like furniture)” with his hands, he brought light to my world and after his death it's like I still tried to make the bright world into reality but when i got a job at Olsteads’s. I changed. Olstead’s became my light and happiness. So after the company collapsed it's like I became this new reality my grandpa tried to avoid where everything is “grey”.  I know he is not proud of me.  I myself am not proud of myself. 

Now, look at me, addicted to drugs. Jason doesn't even want to deal with me, I have no money, no friends, and nothing. I remember clearly you saying “one of us has to be left standing to fight and in the end you are the only one who fought more than any of us. 

Words can't describe how sorry I am for causing all this “shit” to happen, I let this job control my life , my feelings that caused so much pain. I don't expect you to forgive me, and understandably I wouldn't too.  After all, you were right, I didn't know what you were going through and it led me to conclusions that never were true, but refusing to believe the actual truth led me blindly falling into a pit of stress, anger, and racism. In the end, I ended up hurting the people I cared about the most. Once again I am sorry.  

I hope you are doing well.

Thank you for everything 

Your friend, Tracey.